8 Reasons You Shouldn’t Listen To Song Lyrics For Help With Your Love Life

The Frisky tells you what's wrong with the sex advice in "Pour Some Sugar On Me" and seven other songs.

"Sexy Bitch"

She's nothing like a girl you've ever seen before
Nothing you can compare to your neighborhood whore
I'm trying to find the words to describe this girl
Without being disrespectful

While I understand that in today's politically correct climate, one does need to take extra care to avoid offending the easily-offended, many songwriters still seem to be perfectly capable of praising a woman without having to wonder aloud if they are able to be polite about it. Besides, the time to worry about being disrespectful is *before* you contrast her with the neighborhood whore. No matter how much of a compliment was intended - hey, she's *nothing* like the hooker on the corner! - it still seems to be a poor start.

Okay then, *now* you're going to try harder to not be disrespectful, right? I mean you emphasize as much (very catchily, I might add) in the bridge. So let's go to the chorus:

Damn you's a sexy bitch, a sexy bitch
Damn you's a sexy bitch, damn girl
Damn you's a sexy bitch, a sexy bitch
Damn you's a sexy bitch, damn girl

<facepalm>

Yeah, that's just not very high on the respect-o-meter. The radio edit ("Sexy Chick") is marginally more respectful, but that's a low bar. A kick in the shins would be marginally more respectful. Next time try much, much harder.

"Hello"

Because I haven't posted for a while, Ryan North of Dinosaur Comics took it upon himself to do my work for me. He does a great job of deconstructing Lionel Richie's "Hello". Thanks, Ryan!

"Like A G6"

Poppin bottles in the ice, like a blizzard
When we drink we do it right gettin slizzard
Sippin sizzurp in my ride, in my ride, like Three 6
Now I'm feelin so fly like a G6
Like a G6, Like a G6
Now now now now now now I'm feelin so fly like a G6
Like a G6, Like a G6
Now now now now now now I'm feelin so fly like a G6

Holy wow, these lyrics make my head hurt. I was wondering when I'd get to be too old to enjoy pop music; given that this song is currently the number one song in the USA, that moment is officially right now. It's been a good ride; pop music and I have had some great times together. Sure we've had some rough patches - the Black Eyed Peas are a current bone of contention - but now that cut-rate ripoffs of the Black Eyed Peas are scoring number one hits, I think pop music is finally telling me it's over. "Go turn the station to some AAA or Hot AC, old man. You just don't get me anymore" it says. "Kids these days drink sizzurp and get slizzard while texting about their three and G sixes, and you're still doing the Safety Dance."

Well, I was never sure what the Safety Dance is, and I'm not going to try to find out what the hell a "G6" is. That's exactly what they want me to do...

"Do-Re-Mi" and "Chicago"

The wonderful Sheldon comic strip takes on "Do-Re-Mi" and "Chicago". Now excuse me while I go dance with my wife...

"Waterfalls"

Don't go chasing waterfalls
Please stick to the rivers
And the lakes that you're used to

Chuck Klosterman does my work for me in his recent book Eating the Dinosaur:

"At the time [1999], TLC was advising me not to hang around with scrubs. This was kind of like their advice from 1994 about not chasing waterfalls. I never got that. Why not chase waterfalls? They're so easy to chase. It would have been far more sensible if deceased arsonist Lisa Left Eye had told me not to chase something dangerous, like wildebeests. 'Don't go chasing wildebeests.'"

"Don't go chasing wildebeests" scans nicely, but I'd be tempted to add "especially not into unfamiliar lakes and rivers they cross in large numbers, as you might get eaten by hungry crocodiles" before "Please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to."

"Before He Cheats"

I dug my key into the side

Of his pretty little souped-up 4 wheel drive

Carved my name into his leather seat

I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights

Slashed a hole in all 4 tires

And maybe next time he'll think before he cheats

I'm still hoping for a sequel to this song, sung from the boyfriend's point of view, in which he tells of her month or two in prison ("Right now, she's probably carving shivs from her jailhouse toothbrush"), warning her that maybe next time she'll think before she destroys another person's property. Or maybe even from her point of view, twenty years later when she's a lonely, bitter cat-lady, wondering why she can't ever seem to hold on to a man. Maybe next time she'll think before she goes berserk after letting her imagination run wild.

As far as we know, based on her own testimony, she destroys her (ex-) boyfriend's truck after merely *imagining* her guy flirting with some gal in some bar. Her behavior might indicate that she's an unreliable witness at best. She don't know that this is happening at all. It makes me want to shout "You go girl… to a psychiatrist!"

But the silver lining of the song is that she might have saved a little trouble for the next guy, who'll now know to steer clear of her craziness.

"TiK ToK"

Ain't got a care in world, but got plenty of beer
Ain't got no money in my pocket, but I'm already here
And now, the dudes are lining up cause they hear we got swagger
But we kick 'em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger

The current hit "Tik Tok" is the musical equivalent of a VH1 show: an aggressively talentless, insultingly unsubtle paean to the joys of what some call "partying"- that is, getting wasted and fighting. It hardly seems fair to complain that the lyrics are insipid.

But really, Mick Jagger? Now I get that rock musicians are considered sexy simply by virtue of their being rock musicians. Women swoon over Mick Jagger because he *is* Mick Jagger, not because he looks like Mick Jagger. Who'd want someone who merely looks like Mick Jagger? That's like looking for a guy who's as faithful as Tiger Woods.

But hey, eye of the beholder and all that. Even so, he's 44 years older than her - that's not twice, but thrice her age! Never mind daddy issues, perhaps Ke$ha has granddaddy issues.

EAVB_VNKMCKQDSK

The Worst Lyrics of the Decade

Hey, while I've totally fallen down on the job of bringing you the lousiest lyrics around, the Village Voice picks up the slack: Take a gander at their list of the worst lyrics of the past decade, and I'll see you in the '10s!

"Send Me An Angel"

Send me an angel
Send me an angel
Right now
Right now

Wait a minute, just whom do you think you're talking to? You can't order God around like that. No wonder you've "never been lucky in love" - He's probably punishing you for your insolence. Just be thankful that He hasn't sent you an angel to smite thine impertinent ass.

"Sugar, We're Goin' Down"

Is this more than you bargained for yet?
Oh don't mind me I'm watching you two from the closet
Wishing to be the friction in your jeans

Time for a periodic reminder that I'm not just picking on songs I dislike here. I try to be fair-minded and point out when songs I really enjoy have lines that make me cringe. And it doesn't get more cringeworthy than "Wishing to be the friction in your jeans". Well, almost. Discovering that those are the lyrics when one is in the middle of karaoke-ing it, that's worse. (Fortunately, I recovered.)

"The Girl Is Mine"

I don't understand the way you think
Saying that she's yours, not mine
Sending roses and your silly dreams
Really just a waste of time
Because she's mine
The doggone girl is mine

Trivia: This was the first single released from "Thriller", reaching #2 on the Billboard Hot 100. But it was definitely was not a song that foretold the coming "Thriller" phenomenon.

On one hand, it's good that this dispute over a girl descends into lame singing, not lame fisticuffs ("Paul, I think I told you I'm a lover, not a fighter"). On the other hand, it's pretty certain that the "doggone girl" will be gone after hearing this song. For these are the possibilities:

• If neither guy is telling the truth about her claims of devotion, she'll quickly disabuse them of the notion that she's either of theirs.


• If both them are telling the truth, they'll come to the realization that they've been played and send her packing.


• If only one them is telling the truth, she'll have to wonder "WTF does he mean 'doggone girl'?"

Regardless of where the truth lies, she'll undoubtedly be convinced that these guys are way lame. Very very rich, but lame.

And the less said about the "25th Anniversary Remix Featuring will.i.am." the better.

"Birthday Sex"

Or maybe we can float on top my waterbed
You close your eyes as I improv between your legs
We work our way from kitchens, stoves and tables
Girl, you know I'm more than able to please yeah
You say you wanted flowers on the bed
But you got me and now it's on again

This was the top R&B song in the country last week, and I heartily approve of the sentiment. I am in complete agreement that we need to raise awareness of and have a national discussion on the very important topic of birthday sex.

Especially because today is my birthday.

While birthday sex may be a fantastic idea, "Birthday Sex" is a lousy song, both musically, and (more to the point) lyrically. Not to get all old-fogey here, but whatever happened to the smooth subtlety of a Marvin Gaye or Barry White? Okay, those are ambitious targets, but it is asking too much to at least try to show a little charm and class?

This song takes a beautiful concept (especially for today) and makes it sound juvenile. Like it was written by a dirty-minded thirteen-year-old virgin. (Stoves? Really?) Which might make some sort of sense, given that much of the song's airplay is on radio stations aimed at thirteen-year-olds (I'm looking at you, "92.3 NOW"). And that's a whole other problem right there.

Yet another problem that you may be having is what to get me for my birthday. Well, hint, hint... But if you're not around, then could you please at least find me a better song on the subject?

"Live And Let Die"

But if this ever-changing world in which we live in
Makes you give in and cry
Say live and let die

This lyric never used to bother me until my wife pointed out that it's ungrammatical. She'd accept either "world which we live in" or "world in which we live", but repeating the "in" is just plain wrong. I countered that maybe the real lyric is "world in which we're living" - it's not, but hey, it fits - but my wife said she'd hate that, too, because it would be lousy enunciating.

So unfortunately it now bothers me as well every time I hear it. Though it's still the best Bond theme. Even better than the title theme to "Octopussy".

(Disclaimer: There is no title theme to "Octopussy". But there should be.)

(Disclaimer: Do not take Paul McCartney's advice. Dissatisfaction with a society in flux is an acceptable excuse to kill people only if you're James Bond.)

"B.Y.O.B."

Why don't presidents fight the war?
Why do they always send the poor?

There are some questions, such as "When did Serj Tankian stop beating his wife?" and "Why does Serj Tankian collect so much child pornography?" that are tricky to answer because the premise is (and I'll give ol' Serj the benefit of the doubt) untrue. "Why do they always send the poor?" is one of those questions. Turns out that the income distribution of our military recruits matches that of the population at large pretty well. There are perhaps a smaller percentage of pampered rock stars in our all-volunteer Armed Forces than in the population as a whole, but even the sons of one of last year's presidential candidates and both vice-presidential candidates have been serving overseas. This Memorial Day, let's remember the sacrifices of all our soldiers and sailors, whether poor, middle-class, or better-off.

As for presidents fighting the war, the American people don't seem to find that terribly important - the presidential candidate with more military experience has lost five straight elections. Though perhaps what Serj is getting at is replacing war with some sort of one-to-one combat between the leaders of opposing countries. In that case, we'd probably be electing different types of presidents altogether. Both Obama and Bush are pretty fit men (and I can see Clinton holding his own in a bar fight), but we'd be looking for something more - Arnold Schwarzenegger, perhaps. (Though that would be ridiculous, as everyone knows he is ineligible to run, having been born outside the U.S.)

To find someone well-suited to the new job description, presidential debates would probably end up being less like a series of canned remarks and more like a cross between American Gladiators and Ultimate Fighting... You know, I daresay that might be an improvement. Perhaps Serj is on to something after all...

"The Heat Is On"

The heat is on
The heat is on
The heat is on
Oh, it's on the streets
The heat is on

There's nothing really wrong with these lyrics. Repeating the song title over and over in the chorus is perhaps a bit lazy, but it's way too common a feature of pop songs for me to have a legitimate issue with. No, what annoys me is that I am doomed to hum this song to myself every time the dang heat comes on in my house. We have a bunch of old clanking radiators, so every winter's day it's like *clang*, *bonk*, *klunk*, and here comes the sax riff...

"Round And Round"

Round and round
With love we'll find a way just give it time
Round and round
What comes around goes around
I'll tell you why

I've never been particularly fond of the cliche "what comes around goes around" - it has a pleasing rhythm, but it falls apart on closer examination. Presumably, it means "you get what you give", but if so, then like "you can't have your cake and eat it too", it's written backwards. Either way, it's always just said as a statement of fact, without regard to whether or why it's true. Why would something that comes around also go around? Where is it coming from, and where is it going?

So here comes Ratt to explain the phrase. Or so they claim. They quite brazenly do not deliver on the promise to tell us why. We're left hanging and thus it remains a mystery. My hopes are cruelly dashed; it's like an arrow through the heart.

"Let's Dance"

Let's dance
Put on your red shoes and dance the blues

How does one "dance the blues"? It seems to me that the blues are a music genre designed to be resistant to being danced to. And even if it's purposeful incongruity, not just a bad lyrical choice, it still doesn't explain why he sings it like Elmer Fudd. (Better than singing it like Daffy Duck, I suppose.)

"Don't Matter"

Nobody wanna see us together
But it don't matter no
'Cause I got you babe
'Cause we gon' fight
Oh yes we gon' fight
Believe we gon' fight
We gonna fight
Fight for our right to love yeah

"Nobody"? I don't particularly care one way or another about who he's with. Presumably, he hasn't considered my opinion, instead meaning nobody he knows wants to see them together. But he's gon' fight for their right to love, yeah. A noble-sounding, Romeo-and-Juliet sentiment, and I bet all the high schoolers with persecution complexes of their own are totally feeling it.

In real life, it's hard to be objective about the girl you love, or more accurately, the girl you desperately want the right to love. If all of your friends have problems with your relationship, maybe you need to step back and consider just what it is they object to.

Deep down, Akon knows they have a point. He freely admits in one of the verses that the girl "got every right to wanna leave" because he's been acting "off the wall" and that "most" of the rumors about him and other women just ain't true. Kind of weakens his case. The song becomes less a you-and-me-against-the-world act of defiance, and more the song of a pitiful broken man begging his girl not to leave. I'm sure that's not what he's going for.

"Jump"

Some of them try to rhyme but they can't rhyme like this
Some of them try to rhyme but they can't rhyme like this
Some of them try to rhyme but they can't rhyme like this
Some of them try to rhyme but they can't

It's true; not everyone is fly enough to seriously brag about being able to rhyme "this" with "this".