"Sugar, We're Goin' Down"

Is this more than you bargained for yet?
Oh don't mind me I'm watching you two from the closet
Wishing to be the friction in your jeans

Time for a periodic reminder that I'm not just picking on songs I dislike here. I try to be fair-minded and point out when songs I really enjoy have lines that make me cringe. And it doesn't get more cringeworthy than "Wishing to be the friction in your jeans". Well, almost. Discovering that those are the lyrics when one is in the middle of karaoke-ing it, that's worse. (Fortunately, I recovered.)

"Live And Let Die"

But if this ever-changing world in which we live in
Makes you give in and cry
Say live and let die

This lyric never used to bother me until my wife pointed out that it's ungrammatical. She'd accept either "world which we live in" or "world in which we live", but repeating the "in" is just plain wrong. I countered that maybe the real lyric is "world in which we're living" - it's not, but hey, it fits - but my wife said she'd hate that, too, because it would be lousy enunciating.

So unfortunately it now bothers me as well every time I hear it. Though it's still the best Bond theme. Even better than the title theme to "Octopussy".

(Disclaimer: There is no title theme to "Octopussy". But there should be.)

(Disclaimer: Do not take Paul McCartney's advice. Dissatisfaction with a society in flux is an acceptable excuse to kill people only if you're James Bond.)

"B.Y.O.B."

Why don't presidents fight the war?
Why do they always send the poor?

There are some questions, such as "When did Serj Tankian stop beating his wife?" and "Why does Serj Tankian collect so much child pornography?" that are tricky to answer because the premise is (and I'll give ol' Serj the benefit of the doubt) untrue. "Why do they always send the poor?" is one of those questions. Turns out that the income distribution of our military recruits matches that of the population at large pretty well. There are perhaps a smaller percentage of pampered rock stars in our all-volunteer Armed Forces than in the population as a whole, but even the sons of one of last year's presidential candidates and both vice-presidential candidates have been serving overseas. This Memorial Day, let's remember the sacrifices of all our soldiers and sailors, whether poor, middle-class, or better-off.

As for presidents fighting the war, the American people don't seem to find that terribly important - the presidential candidate with more military experience has lost five straight elections. Though perhaps what Serj is getting at is replacing war with some sort of one-to-one combat between the leaders of opposing countries. In that case, we'd probably be electing different types of presidents altogether. Both Obama and Bush are pretty fit men (and I can see Clinton holding his own in a bar fight), but we'd be looking for something more - Arnold Schwarzenegger, perhaps. (Though that would be ridiculous, as everyone knows he is ineligible to run, having been born outside the U.S.)

To find someone well-suited to the new job description, presidential debates would probably end up being less like a series of canned remarks and more like a cross between American Gladiators and Ultimate Fighting... You know, I daresay that might be an improvement. Perhaps Serj is on to something after all...

"The Heat Is On"

The heat is on
The heat is on
The heat is on
Oh, it's on the streets
The heat is on

There's nothing really wrong with these lyrics. Repeating the song title over and over in the chorus is perhaps a bit lazy, but it's way too common a feature of pop songs for me to have a legitimate issue with. No, what annoys me is that I am doomed to hum this song to myself every time the dang heat comes on in my house. We have a bunch of old clanking radiators, so every winter's day it's like *clang*, *bonk*, *klunk*, and here comes the sax riff...

"Round And Round"

Round and round
With love we'll find a way just give it time
Round and round
What comes around goes around
I'll tell you why

I've never been particularly fond of the cliche "what comes around goes around" - it has a pleasing rhythm, but it falls apart on closer examination. Presumably, it means "you get what you give", but if so, then like "you can't have your cake and eat it too", it's written backwards. Either way, it's always just said as a statement of fact, without regard to whether or why it's true. Why would something that comes around also go around? Where is it coming from, and where is it going?

So here comes Ratt to explain the phrase. Or so they claim. They quite brazenly do not deliver on the promise to tell us why. We're left hanging and thus it remains a mystery. My hopes are cruelly dashed; it's like an arrow through the heart.

"Let's Dance"

Let's dance
Put on your red shoes and dance the blues

How does one "dance the blues"? It seems to me that the blues are a music genre designed to be resistant to being danced to. And even if it's purposeful incongruity, not just a bad lyrical choice, it still doesn't explain why he sings it like Elmer Fudd. (Better than singing it like Daffy Duck, I suppose.)

"Don't Stand So Close To Me"

It's no use, he sees her
He starts to shake and cough
Just like that old man in
That book by Nabokov

It's nice when others do my work for me. Though I must add three things:

1) The cartoon character is being dense; everyone knows this is a reference to "Lolita" (probably the greatest novel ever written).

2) My bigger criticism is that it's an awkward and dumb way to reference "Lolita". Better than "Just like that old guy in that thingy with the, you know, pages and writing and stuff, by that Russian dude", but not much.

3) No, I was not beaten by a songwriter as a child.

"Blinded By The Light"

Blinded by the light
Revved up like a deuce
Another runner in the night

You might have once wondered why anyone would sing a song about there being a "bathroom on the right". Perhaps you've gotten an interesting mental image upon hearing "she's got electric boobs, a nowhere suit". And most certainly, you had to have thought that "excuse me while I kiss this guy" is an odd way to introduce a smoking guitar riff.

Usually, when told of the correct lyrics, it all makes sense. Or at least we stop hearing the wrong ones (I still don't know what "electric boots" are). Usually. For no matter how many times I have to remind myself of the real lyrics, there is no way Manfred Mann is not singing "wrapped up like a douche". I'm not clear on what that even means, but then again I'm not clear on "revved up like a deuce", either. Something about cars, I've heard. But it doesn't matter, because it's clear as day: "wrapped up like a douche".

(Also, he clearly sings "another roller in the night", but it's more funny to riff on "douche".)

"She Don't Use Jelly"

I know a girl who reminds me of Cher
She's always changing the color of her hair
She don't use nothing that you buy at the store
She likes her hair to be real orange
She uses tangerines

Yes, I know this song is a silly little novelty and the lyrics are supposed be be somewhat absurd. As such it makes a great song to sing to my baby daughter. Why bother with insipid children's music (and it's almost all insipid, even the stuff that claims not to be) when there are plenty of songs to sing and play that you can enjoy as much as your kids? "La La Love You" by The Pixies is another good example.

So I appreciate the song for what it is, and I applaud the attempt to rhyme the word "orange" (even though it doesn't work at all if one has a New York accent). Tangerines won't turn your hair orange, but I'm allowing a little poetic license. And I can picture an orange-haired Cher, though I usually don't. No, my beef is that you can buy tangerines at a store! Unless one lives in the right climate to be able to visit a local citrus grove, or to be able to grow one's own, a store is exactly where one would get a tangerine.

And even if magic hair-coloring tangerines are only available via a special TV offer (call our toll-free number, operators are standing by!), they'll be in stores marked "As Seen On TV" soon enough.