"Before He Cheats"

I dug my key into the side

Of his pretty little souped-up 4 wheel drive

Carved my name into his leather seat

I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights

Slashed a hole in all 4 tires

And maybe next time he'll think before he cheats

I'm still hoping for a sequel to this song, sung from the boyfriend's point of view, in which he tells of her month or two in prison ("Right now, she's probably carving shivs from her jailhouse toothbrush"), warning her that maybe next time she'll think before she destroys another person's property. Or maybe even from her point of view, twenty years later when she's a lonely, bitter cat-lady, wondering why she can't ever seem to hold on to a man. Maybe next time she'll think before she goes berserk after letting her imagination run wild.

As far as we know, based on her own testimony, she destroys her (ex-) boyfriend's truck after merely *imagining* her guy flirting with some gal in some bar. Her behavior might indicate that she's an unreliable witness at best. She don't know that this is happening at all. It makes me want to shout "You go girl… to a psychiatrist!"

But the silver lining of the song is that she might have saved a little trouble for the next guy, who'll now know to steer clear of her craziness.

Fisher-Price Amazing Animals Sing and Go Choo-Choo

Polar bears live where it's cold
Lions like it hot!
Tigers can run very fast
And hippos can not

If you have a child around the age of one, you can almost certainly sing along. This is quite a popular toy from Fisher-Price, which specializes in adorable toys that belt out annoying songs. I once wanted to buy their tiger-and-cub toy for our baby daughter (>go Tigers!), until I touched the darn thing and set it to singing. Two-and-a-half seconds was all it took to convince me that I really didn't want that in my house.

Our daughter got the train for Christmas. Turned off, it's rather cute. Turned on, and you have to endure very loud and insipid songs when the right buttons are pressed. The main song invites us to hop on board the animal train, because learning about an-i-MALS (yes, emphasis on the last syllable - the Fisher-Price demons have truly thought of everything) is "really lots of fun!!" Or so they say. The half-shouting, half-pleading tone of that line makes it sound like they're trying to convince themselves as much as they're trying to convince our children.

So what sort of fun learning do we get from the toy? Another song tells us that polar bears live where it's cold, check. Lions like it hot... well, it's hard to say whether they truly like it or if they just endure it, but okay. Tigers can run fast, no question. What about hippos (or hip-POS, as the song goes)?

A side note: songs for children do get lots of lyrical leeway here; I know they shouldn't be judged in the same way that a normal pop song can be.

And yet, this is a toy that purports to be somewhat educational. It should not be getting basic facts wrong. Especially when said wrong information can get our daughter killed! If you happen to find yourself amongst a herd of hippopotamuses one day, don't let your memories of this song (if you have the toy, it will be burned into your brain) lull you into a false sense of security. Despite what the song would have us believe, hippos can run really fast! Not as fast as tigers, but certainly faster than you. And they'll take full advantage of that speed; by many accounts they're the most dangerous animal in the world.

Fisher-Price should not be so cavalier with our children's safety. Here's hoping for a massive product recall (please?)

"Temperature"

Well woman the way the time cold I wanna be keepin' you warm
I got the right temperature for shelter you from the storm
Oh lord, gal I got the right tactics to turn you on
And girl I wanna be the papa, you can be the mom, oh oh!

Admit it, unless you're from Jamaica, you have no idea what Sean Paul sings in any of his songs. Heck, even if you were to read his lyrics, you're going to have a hard time figuring out what it all means. No, it's really enough to just bop along happily to the riddim, mouthing the occasional words that you kind of maybe understand.

Until you actually do read the lyrics. Then it's hard not to be slightly creeped out. It's not that the song seems to be one long boast about his sexual prowess - that's been a proud theme of pop music since "Sixty Minute Man". It's that the song seems to be one long boast about his sexual prowess as the sole reason to have a baby with him!

Call me old-fashioned, but... ew.

If I need shelter from a storm, please just hand me an umbrella instead.