"The Girl Is Mine"

I don't understand the way you think
Saying that she's yours, not mine
Sending roses and your silly dreams
Really just a waste of time
Because she's mine
The doggone girl is mine

Trivia: This was the first single released from "Thriller", reaching #2 on the Billboard Hot 100. But it was definitely was not a song that foretold the coming "Thriller" phenomenon.

On one hand, it's good that this dispute over a girl descends into lame singing, not lame fisticuffs ("Paul, I think I told you I'm a lover, not a fighter"). On the other hand, it's pretty certain that the "doggone girl" will be gone after hearing this song. For these are the possibilities:

• If neither guy is telling the truth about her claims of devotion, she'll quickly disabuse them of the notion that she's either of theirs.


• If both them are telling the truth, they'll come to the realization that they've been played and send her packing.


• If only one them is telling the truth, she'll have to wonder "WTF does he mean 'doggone girl'?"

Regardless of where the truth lies, she'll undoubtedly be convinced that these guys are way lame. Very very rich, but lame.

And the less said about the "25th Anniversary Remix Featuring will.i.am." the better.

"Birthday Sex"

Or maybe we can float on top my waterbed
You close your eyes as I improv between your legs
We work our way from kitchens, stoves and tables
Girl, you know I'm more than able to please yeah
You say you wanted flowers on the bed
But you got me and now it's on again

This was the top R&B song in the country last week, and I heartily approve of the sentiment. I am in complete agreement that we need to raise awareness of and have a national discussion on the very important topic of birthday sex.

Especially because today is my birthday.

While birthday sex may be a fantastic idea, "Birthday Sex" is a lousy song, both musically, and (more to the point) lyrically. Not to get all old-fogey here, but whatever happened to the smooth subtlety of a Marvin Gaye or Barry White? Okay, those are ambitious targets, but it is asking too much to at least try to show a little charm and class?

This song takes a beautiful concept (especially for today) and makes it sound juvenile. Like it was written by a dirty-minded thirteen-year-old virgin. (Stoves? Really?) Which might make some sort of sense, given that much of the song's airplay is on radio stations aimed at thirteen-year-olds (I'm looking at you, "92.3 NOW"). And that's a whole other problem right there.

Yet another problem that you may be having is what to get me for my birthday. Well, hint, hint... But if you're not around, then could you please at least find me a better song on the subject?

"Live And Let Die"

But if this ever-changing world in which we live in
Makes you give in and cry
Say live and let die

This lyric never used to bother me until my wife pointed out that it's ungrammatical. She'd accept either "world which we live in" or "world in which we live", but repeating the "in" is just plain wrong. I countered that maybe the real lyric is "world in which we're living" - it's not, but hey, it fits - but my wife said she'd hate that, too, because it would be lousy enunciating.

So unfortunately it now bothers me as well every time I hear it. Though it's still the best Bond theme. Even better than the title theme to "Octopussy".

(Disclaimer: There is no title theme to "Octopussy". But there should be.)

(Disclaimer: Do not take Paul McCartney's advice. Dissatisfaction with a society in flux is an acceptable excuse to kill people only if you're James Bond.)