tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7402927786547379992024-03-13T18:19:52.273-04:00Lousy LyricsI write the blog that makes the whole world singUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger36125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-740292778654737999.post-69471898860309040002012-06-06T22:37:00.003-04:002012-06-06T22:37:49.069-04:008 Reasons You Shouldn’t Listen To Song Lyrics For Help With Your Love LifeThe Frisky tells you what's wrong with the sex advice in "Pour Some Sugar On Me" and <A HREF="http://www.thefrisky.com/2012-06-04/8-reasons-you-shouldn%E2%80%99t-listen-to-song-lyrics-for-help-with-your-love-life/" TARGET="blank">seven other songs</A>.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-740292778654737999.post-25316549354608621822012-05-25T14:31:00.001-04:002012-05-25T14:31:10.355-04:00"Sexy Bitch"<iframe src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=rook&o=1&p=8&l=as1&asins=B003Z6LA8C&ref=qf_sp_asin_til&fc1=000000&IS2=1<1=_blank&m=amazon&lc1=$linkcolor&bc1=$bgcolor&bg1=$bgcolor&f=ifr" style="width:120px;height:240px;" scrolling="no" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" frameborder="0" align="left"></iframe>
<blockquote><i>She's nothing like a girl you've ever seen before<br />
Nothing you can compare to your neighborhood whore<br />
I'm trying to find the words to describe this girl<br />
Without being disrespectful</i>
</blockquote>
While I understand that in today's politically correct climate, one does need to take extra care to avoid offending the easily-offended, many songwriters still seem to be perfectly capable of praising a woman without having to wonder aloud if they are able to be polite about it. Besides, the time to worry about being disrespectful is *before* you contrast her with the neighborhood whore. No matter how much of a compliment was intended - hey, she's *nothing* like the hooker on the corner! - it still seems to be a poor start.
<P>Okay then, *now* you're going to try harder to not be disrespectful, right? I mean you emphasize as much (very catchily, I might add) in the bridge. So let's go to the chorus:
<i><blockquote>Damn you's a sexy bitch, a sexy bitch<br />
Damn you's a sexy bitch, damn girl<br />
Damn you's a sexy bitch, a sexy bitch<br />
Damn you's a sexy bitch, damn girl
</blockquote></i>
<A HREF="http://i0.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/000/554/facepalm.jpg" TARGET="blank"><facepalm></A>
<P>Yeah, that's just not very high on the respect-o-meter. The radio edit ("Sexy Chick") is marginally more respectful, but that's a low bar. A kick in the shins would be marginally more respectful. Next time try much, much harder.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-740292778654737999.post-83404213217129185282011-05-17T09:26:00.002-04:002012-06-06T22:38:28.114-04:00"Hello"<iframe src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?lt1=_blank&bc1=$bgcolor&IS2=1&bg1=$bgcolor&fc1=000000&lc1=$linkcolor&t=rook&o=1&p=8&l=as1&m=amazon&f=ifr&ref=tf_til&asins=B0013F472S" style="width:120px;height:240px;" scrolling="no" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" frameborder="0" align="left"></iframe><br /><br />Because I haven't posted for a while, Ryan North of Dinosaur Comics took it upon himself to do my work for me. He does a great job of deconstructing <a href="http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1950" target="blank">Lionel Richie's "Hello"</a>. Thanks, Ryan!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-740292778654737999.post-76509055655715427512010-11-06T23:20:00.005-04:002010-11-06T23:44:39.820-04:00"Like A G6"<iframe src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?lt1=_blank&bc1=$bgcolor&IS2=1&bg1=$bgcolor&fc1=000000&lc1=$linkcolor&t=rook&o=1&p=8&l=as1&m=amazon&f=ifr&asins=B0045NDPBY" style="width:120px;height:240px;" scrolling="no" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" frameborder="0" align="left"></iframe><br /><span style="font-style:italic;"><blockquote>Poppin bottles in the ice, like a blizzard <br />When we drink we do it right gettin slizzard <br />Sippin sizzurp in my ride, in my ride, like Three 6 <br />Now I'm feelin so fly like a G6<br />Like a G6, Like a G6 <br />Now now now now now now I'm feelin so fly like a G6 <br />Like a G6, Like a G6 <br />Now now now now now now I'm feelin so fly like a G6</blockquote></span><br />Holy wow, these lyrics make my head hurt. I was wondering when I'd get to be too old to enjoy pop music; given that this song is currently the number one song in the USA, that moment is officially right now. It's been a good ride; pop music and I have had some great times together. Sure we've had some rough patches - the Black Eyed Peas are a current bone of contention - but now that cut-rate ripoffs of the Black Eyed Peas are scoring number one hits, I think pop music is finally telling me it's over. "Go turn the station to some AAA or Hot AC, old man. You just don't get me anymore" it says. "Kids these days drink sizzurp and get slizzard while texting about their three and G sixes, and you're still doing the Safety Dance."<br /><br />Well, I was never sure what the Safety Dance is, and I'm not going to try to find out what the hell a "G6" is. That's exactly what they want me to do...Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-740292778654737999.post-20798688639944032532010-10-24T08:53:00.002-04:002012-06-06T22:38:54.018-04:00"Do-Re-Mi" and "Chicago"The wonderful Sheldon comic strip takes on <A HREF="http://sheldoncomics.com/archive/101011.html" TARGET="blank">"Do-Re-Mi"</A> and <A HREF="http://sheldoncomics.com/archive/101012.html" TARGET="blank">"Chicago"</A>. Now excuse me while I go dance with my wife...Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-740292778654737999.post-2307353858888257102010-08-09T19:06:00.005-04:002010-08-09T19:21:30.340-04:00"Waterfalls"<iframe src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?lt1=_blank&bc1=$bgcolor&IS2=1&bg1=$bgcolor&fc1=000000&lc1=$linkcolor&t=rook&o=1&p=8&l=as1&m=amazon&f=ifr&asins=B0018QVOQ4" style="width:120px;height:240px;" scrolling="no" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" frameborder="0" align="left"></iframe><br /><br /><blockquote><span style="font-style:italic;">Don't go chasing waterfalls<br />Please stick to the rivers<br />And the lakes that you're used to</span></blockquote><br /><br />Chuck Klosterman does my work for me in his recent book <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1416544216?ie=UTF8&tag=rook&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1416544216">Eating the Dinosaur</a>:<br /><br /><blockquote>"At the time [1999], TLC was advising me not to hang around with <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0025ZMTD4?ie=UTF8&tag=rook&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=B0025ZMTD4">scrubs</a>. This was kind of like their advice from 1994 about not chasing waterfalls. I never got that. Why not chase waterfalls? They're so easy to chase. It would have been far more sensible if deceased arsonist Lisa Left Eye had told me not to chase something dangerous, like wildebeests. 'Don't go chasing wildebeests.'"</blockquote><br /><br />"Don't go chasing wildebeests" scans nicely, but I'd be tempted to add "especially not into unfamiliar lakes and rivers they cross in large numbers, as you might get eaten by hungry crocodiles" before "Please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to."Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-740292778654737999.post-75215529058987091022010-08-02T14:48:00.003-04:002010-08-02T14:50:47.845-04:00"Before He Cheats"<iframe src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?lt1=_blank&bc1=$bgcolor&IS2=1&bg1=$bgcolor&fc1=000000&lc1=$linkcolor&t=rook&o=1&p=8&l=as1&m=amazon&f=ifr&asins=B00137OHD0" style="width:120px;height:240px;" scrolling="no" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" frameborder="0" align="left"></iframe><br /><br /><blockquote><span style="font-style:italic;">I dug my key into the side <br />Of his pretty little souped-up 4 wheel drive<br /> Carved my name into his leather seat<br /> I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights <br />Slashed a hole in all 4 tires <br />And maybe next time he'll think before he cheats<br /></span></blockquote><br /><br />I'm still hoping for a sequel to this song, sung from the boyfriend's point of view, in which he tells of her month or two in prison ("Right now, she's probably carving shivs from her jailhouse toothbrush"), warning her that maybe next time she'll think before she destroys another person's property. Or maybe even from her point of view, twenty years later when she's a lonely, bitter cat-lady, wondering why she can't ever seem to hold on to a man. Maybe next time she'll think before she goes berserk after letting her imagination run wild.<br /><br />As far as we know, based on her own testimony, she destroys her (ex-) boyfriend's truck after merely *imagining* her guy flirting with some gal in some bar. Her behavior might indicate that she's an unreliable witness at best. She don't know that this is happening at all. It makes me want to shout "You go girl… to a psychiatrist!"<br /><br />But the silver lining of the song is that she might have saved a little trouble for the next guy, who'll now know to steer clear of her craziness.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-740292778654737999.post-39743214576215955312010-01-07T17:52:00.005-05:002010-08-09T19:06:46.438-04:00"TiK ToK"<iframe src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?lt1=_blank&bc1=$bgcolor&IS2=1&bg1=$bgcolor&fc1=000000&lc1=$linkcolor&t=rook&o=1&p=8&l=as1&m=amazon&f=ifr&asins=B0030INUVU" style="width:120px;height:240px;" scrolling="no" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" frameborder="0" align="left"></iframe><br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;"><blockquote>Ain't got a care in world, but got plenty of beer<br />Ain't got no money in my pocket, but I'm already here<br />And now, the dudes are lining up cause they hear we got swagger<br />But we kick 'em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger<br /></blockquote></span><br /><br />The current hit "Tik Tok" is the musical equivalent of a VH1 show: an aggressively talentless, insultingly unsubtle paean to the joys of what some call "partying"- that is, getting wasted and fighting. It hardly seems fair to complain that the lyrics are insipid.<br /><br />But really, <span style="font-style:italic;">Mick Jagger</span>? Now I get that rock musicians are considered sexy simply by virtue of their being rock musicians. Women swoon over Mick Jagger because he *is* Mick Jagger, not because he looks like Mick Jagger. Who'd want someone who merely looks like Mick Jagger? That's like looking for a guy who's as faithful as Tiger Woods.<br /><br />But hey, eye of the beholder and all that. Even so, he's 44 years older than her - that's not twice, but <span style="font-style:italic;">thrice</span> her age! Never mind daddy issues, perhaps Ke$ha has granddaddy issues.<br /><br />EAVB_VNKMCKQDSKUnknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-740292778654737999.post-34602776308371518032009-12-30T15:50:00.002-05:002012-06-06T22:39:07.488-04:00The Worst Lyrics of the DecadeHey, while I've totally fallen down on the job of bringing you the lousiest lyrics around, the Village Voice picks up the slack: Take a gander at their list of the <A HREF="http://blogs.villagevoice.com/music/archives/2009/12/the_worst_lyric.php" TARGET="blank">worst lyrics of the past decade</A>, and I'll see you in the '10s!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-740292778654737999.post-70585152379596662032009-08-14T17:26:00.000-04:002009-08-14T17:28:01.640-04:00"Send Me An Angel"<iframe src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?lt1=_blank&bc1=$bgcolor&IS1=1&bg1=$bgcolor&fc1=000000&lc1=$linkcolor&t=rook&o=1&p=8&l=as1&m=amazon&f=ifr&asins=B001VG1AEC" style="width:120px;height:240px;" scrolling="no" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" frameborder="0" align="left"></iframe><br /><span style="font-style:italic;"><blockquote>Send me an angel<br />Send me an angel<br />Right now<br />Right now</blockquote></span><br /><br />Wait a minute, just whom do you think you're talking to? You can't order God around like that. No wonder you've "never been lucky in love" - He's probably punishing you for your insolence. Just be thankful that He hasn't sent you an angel to smite thine impertinent ass.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-740292778654737999.post-8005207535093812452009-07-09T14:29:00.002-04:002009-07-09T14:38:01.943-04:00"Sugar, We're Goin' Down"<iframe src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?lt1=_blank&bc1=$bgcolor&IS1=1&bg1=$bgcolor&fc1=000000&lc1=$linkcolor&t=rook&o=1&p=8&l=as1&m=amazon&f=ifr&asins=B000W1039K" style="width:120px;height:240px;" scrolling="no" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" frameborder="0" align="left"></iframe><br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;"><blockquote>Is this more than you bargained for yet?<br />Oh don't mind me I'm watching you two from the closet<br />Wishing to be the friction in your jeans</blockquote></span><br /><br />Time for a periodic reminder that I'm not just picking on songs I dislike here. I try to be fair-minded and point out when songs I really enjoy have lines that make me cringe. And it doesn't get more cringeworthy than "Wishing to be the friction in your jeans". Well, almost. Discovering that those are the lyrics when one is in the middle of karaoke-ing it, that's worse. (Fortunately, I recovered.)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-740292778654737999.post-80888101570322474362009-06-30T17:50:00.004-04:002010-08-02T14:22:41.896-04:00"The Girl Is Mine"<iframe src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=rook&o=1&p=8&l=as1&asins=B000WS4QJG&fc1=000000&IS1=1<1=_blank&m=amazon&lc1=$linkcolor&bc1=$bgcolor&bg1=$bgcolor&f=ifr" style="width:120px;height:240px;" scrolling="no" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" frameborder="0" align="left"></iframe><br /><span style="font-style:italic;"><blockquote>I don't understand the way you think<br />Saying that she's yours, not mine<br />Sending roses and your silly dreams<br />Really just a waste of time<br />Because she's mine<br />The doggone girl is mine</blockquote></span><br /><br />Trivia: This was the first single released from "Thriller", reaching #2 on the Billboard Hot 100. But it was definitely was not a song that foretold the coming "Thriller" phenomenon.<br /><br />On one hand, it's good that this dispute over a girl descends into lame singing, not lame fisticuffs ("Paul, I think I told you I'm a lover, not a fighter"). On the other hand, it's pretty certain that the "doggone girl" will be gone after hearing this song. For these are the possibilities:<br /><br /><ul><br /><li>If neither guy is telling the truth about her claims of devotion, she'll quickly disabuse them of the notion that she's either of theirs.</li><br /><li>If both them are telling the truth, they'll come to the realization that they've been played and send her packing.</li><br /><li>If only one them is telling the truth, she'll have to wonder "WTF does he mean 'doggone girl'?"</li><br /></ul><br /><br />Regardless of where the truth lies, she'll undoubtedly be convinced that these guys are way lame. Very very rich, but lame.<br /><br />And the less said about the "25th Anniversary Remix Featuring will.i.am." the better.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-740292778654737999.post-7348682805233873182009-06-24T14:06:00.001-04:002009-06-24T14:09:48.399-04:00"Birthday Sex"<iframe src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=rook&o=1&p=8&l=as1&asins=B002E6M6EG&fc1=000000&IS1=1<1=_blank&m=amazon&lc1=$linkcolor&bc1=$bgcolor&bg1=$bgcolor&f=ifr" style="width:120px;height:240px;" scrolling="no" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" frameborder="0" align="left"></iframe><br /><span style="font-style:italic;"><blockquote>Or maybe we can float on top my waterbed<br />You close your eyes as I improv between your legs<br />We work our way from kitchens, stoves and tables<br />Girl, you know I'm more than able to please yeah<br />You say you wanted flowers on the bed<br />But you got me and now it's on again</blockquote><br /></span><br /><br />This was the <A HREF="http://www.usatoday.com/life/music/news/2009-06-11-birthday-sex_N.htm" TARGET="blank">top R&B song in the country</A> last week, and I heartily approve of the sentiment. I am in complete agreement that we need to raise awareness of and have a national discussion on the very important topic of birthday sex.<br /><br />Especially because today is my birthday.<br /><br />While birthday sex may be a fantastic idea, "Birthday Sex" is a lousy song, both musically, and (more to the point) lyrically. Not to get all old-fogey here, but whatever happened to the smooth subtlety of a Marvin Gaye or Barry White? Okay, those are ambitious targets, but it is asking too much to at least try to show a little charm and class?<br /><br />This song takes a beautiful concept (especially for today) and makes it sound juvenile. Like it was written by a dirty-minded thirteen-year-old virgin. (Stoves? Really?) Which might make some sort of sense, given that much of the song's airplay is on radio stations aimed at thirteen-year-olds (I'm looking at you, "92.3 NOW"). And that's a whole other problem right there.<br /><br />Yet another problem that you may be having is what to get me for my birthday. Well, hint, hint... But if you're not around, then could you please at least find me a better song on the subject?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-740292778654737999.post-20168935956096254052009-06-17T14:54:00.000-04:002009-06-17T14:55:23.546-04:00"Live And Let Die"<iframe src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=rook&o=1&p=8&l=as1&asins=B000087DRN&fc1=000000&IS1=1<1=_blank&m=amazon&lc1=$linkcolor&bc1=$bgcolor&bg1=$bgcolor&f=ifr" style="width:120px;height:240px;" scrolling="no" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" frameborder="0" align="left"></iframe><br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;"><blockquote>But if this ever-changing world in which we live in<br />Makes you give in and cry<br />Say live and let die</blockquote></span><br /><br />This lyric never used to bother me until my wife pointed out that it's ungrammatical. She'd accept either "world which we live in" or "world in which we live", but repeating the "in" is just plain wrong. I countered that maybe the real lyric is "world in which we're living" - it's not, but hey, it fits - but my wife said she'd hate that, too, because it would be lousy enunciating.<br /><br />So unfortunately it now bothers me as well every time I hear it. Though it's still the best Bond theme. Even better than the title theme to "Octopussy".<br /><br />(Disclaimer: There is no title theme to "Octopussy". But there should be.)<br /><br />(Disclaimer: Do not take Paul McCartney's advice. Dissatisfaction with a society in flux is an acceptable excuse to kill people only if you're James Bond.)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-740292778654737999.post-14056229404521524092009-05-25T11:49:00.001-04:002009-05-25T11:51:02.934-04:00"B.Y.O.B."<iframe src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=rook&o=1&p=8&l=as1&asins=B00136LIOC&fc1=000000&IS1=1<1=_blank&m=amazon&lc1=$linkcolor&bc1=$bgcolor&bg1=$bgcolor&f=ifr" style="width:120px;height:240px;" scrolling="no" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" frameborder="0" align="left"></iframe><br /><blockquote><span style="font-style:italic;">Why don't presidents fight the war?<br />Why do they always send the poor?</span></blockquote><br /><br />There are some questions, such as "When did Serj Tankian stop beating his wife?" and "Why does Serj Tankian collect so much child pornography?" that are tricky to answer because the premise is (and I'll give ol' Serj the benefit of the doubt) untrue. "Why do they always send the poor?" is one of those questions. Turns out that the income distribution of our military recruits matches that of the population at large <A HREF="http://www.heritage.org/research/nationalsecurity/cda05-08.cfm" TARGET="blank">pretty well</A>. There are perhaps a smaller percentage of pampered rock stars in our <span style="font-style:italic;">all-volunteer</span> Armed Forces than in the population as a whole, but even the sons of one of last year's presidential candidates and both vice-presidential candidates have been serving overseas. This Memorial Day, let's remember the sacrifices of all our soldiers and sailors, whether poor, middle-class, or better-off.<br /><br />As for presidents fighting the war, the American people don't seem to find that terribly important - the presidential candidate with more military experience has lost five straight elections. Though perhaps what Serj is getting at is replacing war with some sort of one-to-one combat between the leaders of opposing countries. In that case, we'd probably be electing different types of presidents altogether. Both Obama and Bush are pretty fit men (and I can see Clinton holding his own in a bar fight), but we'd be looking for something more - Arnold Schwarzenegger, perhaps. (Though that would be ridiculous, as everyone knows he is <A HREF="http://www.usconstitution.net/xconst_A2Sec1.html" TARGET="blank">ineligible to run</A>, having been born outside the U.S.)<br /><br />To find someone well-suited to the new job description, presidential debates would probably end up being less like a series of canned remarks and more like a cross between American Gladiators and Ultimate Fighting... You know, I daresay that might be an improvement. Perhaps Serj is on to something after all...Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-740292778654737999.post-75026472454089287172009-05-18T13:38:00.002-04:002009-05-18T14:59:20.418-04:00"The Heat Is On"<iframe src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=rook&o=1&p=8&l=as1&asins=B000002O1V&fc1=000000&IS1=1<1=_blank&m=amazon&lc1=$linkcolor&bc1=$bgcolor&bg1=$bgcolor&f=ifr" style="width:120px;height:240px;" scrolling="no" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" frameborder="0" align="left"></iframe><br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;"><blockquote>The heat is on<br />The heat is on<br />The heat is on<br />Oh, it's on the streets<br />The heat is on</blockquote></span><br /><br />There's nothing really wrong with these lyrics. Repeating the song title over and over in the chorus is perhaps a bit lazy, but it's way too common a feature of pop songs for me to have a legitimate issue with. No, what annoys me is that I am doomed to hum this song to myself every time the dang heat comes on in my house. We have a bunch of old clanking radiators, so every winter's day it's like *clang*, *bonk*, *klunk*, and here comes the sax riff...Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-740292778654737999.post-31562651727497110402009-05-12T17:16:00.002-04:002009-05-12T17:19:31.986-04:00"Round And Round"<iframe src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=rook&o=1&p=8&l=as1&asins=B001PJ1QPS&fc1=000000&IS1=1<1=_blank&m=amazon&lc1=$linkcolor&bc1=$bgcolor&bg1=$bgcolor&f=ifr" style="width:120px;height:240px;" scrolling="no" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" frameborder="0" align="left"></iframe><br /><blockquote><span style="font-style:italic;">Round and round<br />With love we'll find a way just give it time<br />Round and round<br />What comes around goes around<br />I'll tell you why</span></blockquote><br /><br />I've never been particularly fond of the cliche "what comes around goes around" - it has a pleasing rhythm, but it falls apart on closer examination. Presumably, it means "you get what you give", but if so, then like "you can't have your cake and eat it too", it's written backwards. Either way, it's always just said as a statement of fact, without regard to whether or why it's true. Why would something that comes around also go around? Where is it coming from, and where is it going?<br /><br />So here comes Ratt to explain the phrase. Or so they claim. They quite brazenly do not deliver on the promise to tell us why. We're left hanging and thus it remains a mystery. My hopes are cruelly dashed; it's like an arrow through the heart.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-740292778654737999.post-59555288038848155962009-02-27T23:22:00.002-05:002009-02-27T23:24:16.093-05:00"Let's Dance"<iframe src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=rook&o=1&p=8&l=as1&asins=B001Q1ODZU&fc1=000000&IS1=1<1=_blank&m=amazon&lc1=$linkcolor&bc1=$bgcolor&bg1=$bgcolor&f=ifr" style="width:120px;height:240px;" scrolling="no" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" frameborder="0" align="left"></iframe><br /><blockquote><span style="font-style:italic;">Let's dance<br />Put on your red shoes and dance the blues</span></blockquote><br /><br />How does one "dance the blues"? It seems to me that the blues are a music genre designed to be resistant to being danced to. And even if it's purposeful incongruity, not just a bad lyrical choice, it still doesn't explain why he sings it like Elmer Fudd. (Better than singing it like Daffy Duck, I suppose.)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-740292778654737999.post-75440275395799328552009-02-18T16:46:00.002-05:002009-02-18T16:49:15.912-05:00"Don't Matter"<iframe src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=rook&o=1&p=8&l=as1&asins=B000VZQIKA&fc1=000000&IS1=1<1=_blank&m=amazon&lc1=$linkcolor&bc1=$bgcolor&bg1=$bgcolor&f=ifr" style="width:120px;height:240px;" scrolling="no" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" frameborder="0" align="left"></iframe><br /><blockquote><span style="font-style:italic;">Nobody wanna see us together<br />But it don't matter no<br />'Cause I got you babe<br />'Cause we gon' fight<br />Oh yes we gon' fight<br />Believe we gon' fight<br />We gonna fight<br />Fight for our right to love yeah</span></blockquote><br /><br />"Nobody"? I don't particularly care one way or another about who he's with. Presumably, he hasn't considered my opinion, instead meaning nobody <span style="font-style:italic;">he knows</span> wants to see them together. But he's gon' fight for their right to love, yeah. A noble-sounding, Romeo-and-Juliet sentiment, and I bet all the high schoolers with persecution complexes of their own are totally feeling it.<br /><br />In real life, it's hard to be objective about the girl you love, or more accurately, the girl you desperately want the <span style="font-weight:bold;">right</span> to love. If <span style="font-weight:bold;">all</span> of your friends have problems with your relationship, maybe you need to step back and consider just what it is they object to.<br /><br />Deep down, Akon knows they have a point. He freely admits in one of the verses that the girl "got every right to wanna leave" because he's been acting "off the wall" and that "most" of the rumors about him and other women just ain't true. Kind of weakens his case. The song becomes less a you-and-me-against-the-world act of defiance, and more the song of a pitiful broken man begging his girl not to leave. I'm sure that's not what he's going for.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-740292778654737999.post-58977428479367423832009-02-10T15:06:00.003-05:002009-02-10T15:09:40.738-05:00"Jump"<iframe src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=rook&o=1&p=8&l=as1&asins=B0013CRJ5S&fc1=000000&IS1=1<1=_blank&m=amazon&lc1=$linkcolor&bc1=$bgcolor&bg1=$bgcolor&f=ifr" style="width:120px;height:240px;" scrolling="no" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" frameborder="0" align="left"></iframe><br /><span style="font-style:italic;"><blockquote>Some of them try to rhyme but they can't rhyme like this<br />Some of them try to rhyme but they can't rhyme like this<br />Some of them try to rhyme but they can't rhyme like this<br />Some of them try to rhyme but they can't</blockquote></span><br /><br />It's true; not everyone is fly enough to seriously brag about being able to rhyme "this" with "this".Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-740292778654737999.post-75309766681848745232009-01-31T17:54:00.001-05:002009-01-31T17:59:01.361-05:00"Don't Stand So Close To Me"<iframe src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=rook&o=1&p=8&l=as1&asins=B00008BRDV&fc1=000000&IS1=1<1=_blank&m=amazon&lc1=$linkcolor&bc1=$bgcolor&bg1=$bgcolor&f=ifr" style="width:120px;height:240px;" scrolling="no" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" frameborder="0" align="left"></iframe><br /><blockquote><span style="font-style:italic;">It's no use, he sees her<br />He starts to shake and cough<br />Just like that old man in<br />That book by Nabokov</span></blockquote><br /><br />It's nice when others <A HREF="http://www.reallifecomics.com/archive/090130.html" TARGET="blank">do my work for me</A>. Though I must add three things:<br /><br />1) The cartoon character is being dense; everyone knows this is a reference to "Lolita" (probably the greatest novel ever written).<br /><br />2) My bigger criticism is that it's an awkward and dumb way to reference "Lolita". Better than "Just like that old guy in that thingy with the, you know, pages and writing and stuff, by that Russian dude", but not much.<br /><br />3) No, I was not beaten by a songwriter as a child.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-740292778654737999.post-70232010005803360032009-01-29T16:41:00.004-05:002009-01-29T16:44:43.856-05:00"Rapture"<iframe src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=rook&o=1&p=8&l=as1&asins=B000SXIS5I&fc1=000000&IS1=1<1=_blank&m=amazon&lc1=$linkcolor&bc1=$bgcolor&bg1=$bgcolor&f=ifr" style="width:120px;height:240px;" scrolling="no" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" frameborder="0" align="left"></iframe><br /><blockquote><span style="font-style:italic;">Back to back<br />Sacroiliac<br />Spineless movement<br />And a wild attack</span></blockquote><br /><br />"Rapture" is most famous for being the first number one song to feature rapping since Lorne Greene's "<A HREF="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DCyuq-ofnPc" TARGET="blank">Ringo</A>". However, clumsy rhymes (even by the old-school standards of the day) about a disco-era <A HREF="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Purple_people_eater" TARGET="blank">Purple People-Eater</A> somehow failed to bring rap into the mainstream; it was also the last number one song to feature rapping until Vanilla Ice's "Ice Ice Baby" ten years later. And of course rap took after that. <br /><br />To a ten-year-old boy like myself, this was just about the coolest song ever. A man from Mars! Eating cars! And bars! And guitars! What's not to love? I especially enjoyed imagining the guitar player fighting with the Man from Mars during the solo at the end. Yet I never gave much thought to what Debbie Harry was singing in the rest of the song. So I looked it up. And... huh?<br /><br />According to Wikipedia,"the <A HREF="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sacroiliac_joint" TARGET="blank">sacroiliac joint</A> is the joint between the sacrum, at the base of the spine, and the ilium of the pelvis, which are joined by ligaments. It is a strong, weightbearing synovial joint with irregular elevations and depressions that produce interlocking of the bones." Well that's even sillier than a club-hopping alien who ate your head.<br /><br />It's a strange word to have in a song that's not a mnemonic tune designed to help med students in their anatomy classes. ("The hip bone's connected to the sacroiliac bone...") It's even stranger that the word is just hanging there as if it were a common interjection, like "Spleen!" or "<A HREF="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BtsQxUYHXbw" TARGET="blank">Pancreas!</A>". A sentence is called for, or at least a phrase.<br /><br />Perhaps "Total Eclipse Of The Sacroiliac"? (Can one turn around with an eclipsed sacroiliac?)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-740292778654737999.post-18126367238520351882009-01-21T16:32:00.002-05:002009-01-21T16:36:40.690-05:00"Blinded By The Light"<iframe src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=rook&o=1&p=8&l=as1&asins=B0010WB6F0&fc1=000000&IS1=1<1=_blank&m=amazon&lc1=$linkcolor&bc1=$bgcolor&bg1=$bgcolor&f=ifr" style="width:120px;height:240px;" scrolling="no" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" frameborder="0" align="left"></iframe><br /><blockquote><span style="font-style:italic;">Blinded by the light<br />Revved up like a deuce<br />Another runner in the night</span></blockquote><br /><br />You might have once wondered why anyone would sing a song about there being a "<A HREF="http://www.kissthisguy.com/1449misheard.htm" TARGET="blank">bathroom</A> on the right". Perhaps you've gotten an interesting mental image upon hearing "she's got <A HREF="http://www.kissthisguy.com/1284misheard.htm" TARGET="blank">electric boobs</A>, a nowhere suit". And most certainly, you had to have thought that "<A HREF="http://www.kissthisguy.com/18misheard.htm" TARGET="blank">excuse me</A> while I kiss <A HREF="http://www.flickr.com/photos/joeshlabotnik/251860788/" TARGET="blank">this guy</A>" is an odd way to introduce a smoking guitar riff.<br /><br />Usually, when told of the correct lyrics, it all makes sense. Or at least we stop hearing the wrong ones (I still don't know what "electric boots" are). Usually. For no matter how many times I have to remind myself of the real lyrics, there is no way Manfred Mann is not singing "wrapped up like a douche". I'm not clear on what that even means, but then again I'm not clear on "revved up like a deuce", either. Something about cars, I've heard. But it doesn't matter, because it's clear as day: "wrapped up like a douche".<br /><br />(Also, he clearly sings "another roller in the night", but it's more funny to riff on "douche".)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-740292778654737999.post-31098676282819717702009-01-13T10:23:00.006-05:002009-01-13T10:34:13.894-05:00Fisher-Price Amazing Animals Sing and Go Choo-Choo<iframe src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=rook&o=1&p=8&l=as1&asins=B000EULXA2&fc1=000000&IS2=1<1=_blank&m=amazon&lc1=$linkcolor&bc1=$bgcolor&bg1=$bgcolor&f=ifr" style="width:120px;height:240px;" scrolling="no" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" frameborder="0" align="left"></iframe><br /><span style="font-style:italic;"><blockquote>Polar bears live where it's cold<br />Lions like it hot!<br />Tigers can run very fast<br />And hippos can not</blockquote></span><br /><br />If you have a child around the age of one, you can almost certainly sing along. This is quite a popular toy from Fisher-Price, which specializes in adorable toys that belt out annoying songs. I once wanted to buy their tiger-and-cub toy for our baby daughter (<A HREF="http://www.princeton.edu" TARGET="blank">>go Tigers</A>!), until I touched the darn thing and set it to singing. Two-and-a-half seconds was all it took to convince me that I really didn't want that in my house.<br /><br />Our daughter got the train for Christmas. Turned off, it's rather cute. Turned on, and you have to endure very loud and insipid songs when the right buttons are pressed. The main song invites us to hop on board the animal train, because learning about an-i-MALS (yes, emphasis on the last syllable - the Fisher-Price demons have truly thought of everything) is "<A HREF="http://whoorl.com/audio/train.wav" TARGET="blank">really lots of fun!!</A>" Or so they say. The half-shouting, half-pleading tone of that line makes it sound like they're trying to convince themselves as much as they're trying to convince our children.<br /><br />So what sort of fun learning do we get from the toy? Another song tells us that polar bears live where it's cold, check. Lions like it hot... well, it's hard to say whether they truly like it or if they just endure it, but okay. Tigers can run fast, no question. What about hippos (or hip-POS, as the song goes)?<br /><br />A side note: songs for children do get lots of lyrical leeway here; I know they shouldn't be judged in the same way that a normal pop song can be.<br /><br />And yet, this is a toy that purports to be somewhat educational. It should not be getting basic facts wrong. Especially when said wrong information can get our daughter killed! If you happen to find yourself amongst a herd of hippopotamuses one day, don't let your memories of this song (if you have the toy, it will be burned into your brain) lull you into a false sense of security. Despite what the song would have us believe, hippos <A HREF="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hippopotamus" TARGET="blank">can run really fast</A>! Not as fast as tigers, but certainly faster than you. And they'll take full advantage of that speed; by many accounts they're the <A HREF="http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/1862/are-hippos-the-most-dangerous-animal">most dangerous animal in the world</A>.<br /><br />Fisher-Price should not be so cavalier with our children's safety. Here's hoping for a massive product recall (please?)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-740292778654737999.post-82285317327480413852009-01-05T18:00:00.000-05:002009-01-05T18:01:10.823-05:00"Making Love Out Of Nothing At All"<iframe src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=rook&o=1&p=8&l=as1&asins=B000QLKPAS&fc1=000000&IS1=1<1=_blank&m=amazon&lc1=$linkcolor&bc1=$bgcolor&bg1=$bgcolor&f=ifr" style="width:120px;height:240px;" scrolling="no" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" frameborder="0" align="left"></iframe><br /><span style="font-style:italic;"><blockquote>I can make the runner stumble<br />I can make the final block<br />And I can make every tackle at the sound of the whistle<br />And I can make all the stadiums rock</blockquote></span><br /><br />Of all the crazy things kids do in college, singing "Making Love Out Of Nothing At All" to annoy your roommates is probably the lamest. Nobody remembers exactly who started it or why, but we all remember that it became our room's unofficial theme song, we sang it so much. We even once called in a song request to a local adult contemporary radio station (STAR 104.5). Remember kids that this was in the days before you could steal any song you'd like over the internet. If the local record store didn't have what you wanted to hear, you'd have to hope you could get through to the local radio station and have a deejay take pity on you. Because we sure as heck weren't going to ask our friends if they had this song so we could tape it from them.<br /><br />The deejay at STAR 104.5 did take pity on us - well, he was quite cool about it. He laughed at our unusual request and said he'd be willing to play it, but he'd have to check with the manager. When we called back a half-hour later, the deejay gave us the manager's response: "Are you *kidding* me?" So no song for us - the station was pretty soft, but apparently not that soft.<br /><br />So I do have a soft spot for this song, as it reminds me of my wild college days. Some may describe the song as <A HREF="http://basicinstructions.net/?p=420" TARGET="blank">creepy and pathetic</A>, but there are some pretty, if melodramatic (what <A HREF="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jim_Steinman" TARGET="blank">Jim Steinman</A> song isn't?), lyrics in there. The ones I quote above aren't those.<br /><br />Certainly, I have no issue with the guys from Air Supply playing football (or presumably, Australian Rules football). One can sing sappy ballads without being a total wimp (see also <A HREF="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_Blunt#Military_career" TARGET="blank">James Blunt</A>). I'm not on board with their stadium-rocking ability, however. It doesn't seem like their forte.<br /><br />The song was originally written for Meat Loaf (as was "Total Eclipse of the Heart", by the way) - you can totally see him singing it, right? - so the lyric would make a little more sense coming from him. Not coming from a band who was deemed too soft to play on STAR 104.5.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2