8 Reasons You Shouldn’t Listen To Song Lyrics For Help With Your Love Life

The Frisky tells you what's wrong with the sex advice in "Pour Some Sugar On Me" and seven other songs.

"Sexy Bitch"

She's nothing like a girl you've ever seen before
Nothing you can compare to your neighborhood whore
I'm trying to find the words to describe this girl
Without being disrespectful

While I understand that in today's politically correct climate, one does need to take extra care to avoid offending the easily-offended, many songwriters still seem to be perfectly capable of praising a woman without having to wonder aloud if they are able to be polite about it. Besides, the time to worry about being disrespectful is *before* you contrast her with the neighborhood whore. No matter how much of a compliment was intended - hey, she's *nothing* like the hooker on the corner! - it still seems to be a poor start.

Okay then, *now* you're going to try harder to not be disrespectful, right? I mean you emphasize as much (very catchily, I might add) in the bridge. So let's go to the chorus:

Damn you's a sexy bitch, a sexy bitch
Damn you's a sexy bitch, damn girl
Damn you's a sexy bitch, a sexy bitch
Damn you's a sexy bitch, damn girl

<facepalm>

Yeah, that's just not very high on the respect-o-meter. The radio edit ("Sexy Chick") is marginally more respectful, but that's a low bar. A kick in the shins would be marginally more respectful. Next time try much, much harder.

"Hello"

Because I haven't posted for a while, Ryan North of Dinosaur Comics took it upon himself to do my work for me. He does a great job of deconstructing Lionel Richie's "Hello". Thanks, Ryan!

"Like A G6"

Poppin bottles in the ice, like a blizzard
When we drink we do it right gettin slizzard
Sippin sizzurp in my ride, in my ride, like Three 6
Now I'm feelin so fly like a G6
Like a G6, Like a G6
Now now now now now now I'm feelin so fly like a G6
Like a G6, Like a G6
Now now now now now now I'm feelin so fly like a G6

Holy wow, these lyrics make my head hurt. I was wondering when I'd get to be too old to enjoy pop music; given that this song is currently the number one song in the USA, that moment is officially right now. It's been a good ride; pop music and I have had some great times together. Sure we've had some rough patches - the Black Eyed Peas are a current bone of contention - but now that cut-rate ripoffs of the Black Eyed Peas are scoring number one hits, I think pop music is finally telling me it's over. "Go turn the station to some AAA or Hot AC, old man. You just don't get me anymore" it says. "Kids these days drink sizzurp and get slizzard while texting about their three and G sixes, and you're still doing the Safety Dance."

Well, I was never sure what the Safety Dance is, and I'm not going to try to find out what the hell a "G6" is. That's exactly what they want me to do...

"Do-Re-Mi" and "Chicago"

The wonderful Sheldon comic strip takes on "Do-Re-Mi" and "Chicago". Now excuse me while I go dance with my wife...

"Waterfalls"

Don't go chasing waterfalls
Please stick to the rivers
And the lakes that you're used to

Chuck Klosterman does my work for me in his recent book Eating the Dinosaur:

"At the time [1999], TLC was advising me not to hang around with scrubs. This was kind of like their advice from 1994 about not chasing waterfalls. I never got that. Why not chase waterfalls? They're so easy to chase. It would have been far more sensible if deceased arsonist Lisa Left Eye had told me not to chase something dangerous, like wildebeests. 'Don't go chasing wildebeests.'"

"Don't go chasing wildebeests" scans nicely, but I'd be tempted to add "especially not into unfamiliar lakes and rivers they cross in large numbers, as you might get eaten by hungry crocodiles" before "Please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to."

"Before He Cheats"

I dug my key into the side

Of his pretty little souped-up 4 wheel drive

Carved my name into his leather seat

I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights

Slashed a hole in all 4 tires

And maybe next time he'll think before he cheats

I'm still hoping for a sequel to this song, sung from the boyfriend's point of view, in which he tells of her month or two in prison ("Right now, she's probably carving shivs from her jailhouse toothbrush"), warning her that maybe next time she'll think before she destroys another person's property. Or maybe even from her point of view, twenty years later when she's a lonely, bitter cat-lady, wondering why she can't ever seem to hold on to a man. Maybe next time she'll think before she goes berserk after letting her imagination run wild.

As far as we know, based on her own testimony, she destroys her (ex-) boyfriend's truck after merely *imagining* her guy flirting with some gal in some bar. Her behavior might indicate that she's an unreliable witness at best. She don't know that this is happening at all. It makes me want to shout "You go girl… to a psychiatrist!"

But the silver lining of the song is that she might have saved a little trouble for the next guy, who'll now know to steer clear of her craziness.

"TiK ToK"

Ain't got a care in world, but got plenty of beer
Ain't got no money in my pocket, but I'm already here
And now, the dudes are lining up cause they hear we got swagger
But we kick 'em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger

The current hit "Tik Tok" is the musical equivalent of a VH1 show: an aggressively talentless, insultingly unsubtle paean to the joys of what some call "partying"- that is, getting wasted and fighting. It hardly seems fair to complain that the lyrics are insipid.

But really, Mick Jagger? Now I get that rock musicians are considered sexy simply by virtue of their being rock musicians. Women swoon over Mick Jagger because he *is* Mick Jagger, not because he looks like Mick Jagger. Who'd want someone who merely looks like Mick Jagger? That's like looking for a guy who's as faithful as Tiger Woods.

But hey, eye of the beholder and all that. Even so, he's 44 years older than her - that's not twice, but thrice her age! Never mind daddy issues, perhaps Ke$ha has granddaddy issues.

EAVB_VNKMCKQDSK

The Worst Lyrics of the Decade

Hey, while I've totally fallen down on the job of bringing you the lousiest lyrics around, the Village Voice picks up the slack: Take a gander at their list of the worst lyrics of the past decade, and I'll see you in the '10s!

"Send Me An Angel"

Send me an angel
Send me an angel
Right now
Right now

Wait a minute, just whom do you think you're talking to? You can't order God around like that. No wonder you've "never been lucky in love" - He's probably punishing you for your insolence. Just be thankful that He hasn't sent you an angel to smite thine impertinent ass.