Lousy Lyrics

"Hello"

2011-05-17T09:26:00.002-04:00

Because I haven't posted for a while, Ryan North of Dinosaur Comics took it upon himself to do my work for me. He does a great job of deconstructing Lionel Richie's "Hello". Thanks, Ryan!

"Like A G6"

2010-11-06T23:20:00.005-04:00

Poppin bottles in the ice, like a blizzard
When we drink we do it right gettin slizzard
Sippin sizzurp in my ride, in my ride, like Three 6
Now I'm feelin so fly like a G6
Like a G6, Like a G6
Now now now now now now I'm feelin so fly like a G6
Like a G6, Like a G6
Now now now now now now I'm feelin so fly like a G6

Holy wow, these lyrics make my head hurt. I was wondering when I'd get to be too old to enjoy pop music; given that this song is currently the number one song in the USA, that moment is officially right now. It's been a good ride; pop music and I have had some great times together. Sure we've had some rough patches - the Black Eyed Peas are a current bone of contention - but now that cut-rate ripoffs of the Black Eyed Peas are scoring number one hits, I think pop music is finally telling me it's over. "Go turn the station to some AAA or Hot AC, old man. You just don't get me anymore" it says. "Kids these days drink sizzurp and get slizzard while texting about their three and G sixes, and you're still doing the Safety Dance."

Well, I was never sure what the Safety Dance is, and I'm not going to try to find out what the hell a "G6" is. That's exactly what they want me to do...

"Do-Re-Mi" and "Chicago"

2010-10-24T08:53:00.002-04:00

The wonderful Sheldon comic strip takes on "Do-Re-Mi" and "Chicago". Now excuse me while I go dance with my wife...

"Waterfalls"

2010-08-09T19:06:00.005-04:00

Don't go chasing waterfalls
Please stick to the rivers
And the lakes that you're used to

Chuck Klosterman does my work for me in his recent book Eating the Dinosaur:

"At the time [1999], TLC was advising me not to hang around with scrubs. This was kind of like their advice from 1994 about not chasing waterfalls. I never got that. Why not chase waterfalls? They're so easy to chase. It would have been far more sensible if deceased arsonist Lisa Left Eye had told me not to chase something dangerous, like wildebeests. 'Don't go chasing wildebeests.'"

"Don't go chasing wildebeests" scans nicely, but I'd be tempted to add "especially not into unfamiliar lakes and rivers they cross in large numbers, as you might get eaten by hungry crocodiles" before "Please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to."

"Before He Cheats"

2010-08-02T14:48:00.003-04:00

I dug my key into the side 
Of his pretty little souped-up 4 wheel drive
 Carved my name into his leather seat
 I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights 
Slashed a hole in all 4 tires 
And maybe next time he'll think before he cheats

I'm still hoping for a sequel to this song, sung from the boyfriend's point of view, in which he tells of her month or two in prison ("Right now, she's probably carving shivs from her jailhouse toothbrush"), warning her that maybe next time she'll think before she destroys another person's property. Or maybe even from her point of view, twenty years later when she's a lonely, bitter cat-lady, wondering why she can't ever seem to hold on to a man. Maybe next time she'll think before she goes berserk after letting her imagination run wild.

As far as we know, based on her own testimony, she destroys her (ex-) boyfriend's truck after merely *imagining* her guy flirting with some gal in some bar. Her behavior might indicate that she's an unreliable witness at best. She don't know that this is happening at all. It makes me want to shout "You go girl… to a psychiatrist!"

But the silver lining of the song is that she might have saved a little trouble for the next guy, who'll now know to steer clear of her craziness.

"TiK ToK"

2010-01-07T17:52:00.005-05:00

Ain't got a care in world, but got plenty of beer
Ain't got no money in my pocket, but I'm already here
And now, the dudes are lining up cause they hear we got swagger
But we kick 'em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger

The current hit "Tik Tok" is the musical equivalent of a VH1 show: an aggressively talentless, insultingly unsubtle paean to the joys of what some call "partying"- that is, getting wasted and fighting. It hardly seems fair to complain that the lyrics are insipid.

But really, Mick Jagger? Now I get that rock musicians are considered sexy simply by virtue of their being rock musicians. Women swoon over Mick Jagger because he *is* Mick Jagger, not because he looks like Mick Jagger. Who'd want someone who merely looks like Mick Jagger? That's like looking for a guy who's as faithful as Tiger Woods.

But hey, eye of the beholder and all that. Even so, he's 44 years older than her - that's not twice, but thrice her age! Never mind daddy issues, perhaps Ke$ha has granddaddy issues.

EAVB_VNKMCKQDSK

The Worst Lyrics of the Decade

2009-12-30T15:50:00.002-05:00

Hey, while I've totally fallen down on the job of bringing you the lousiest lyrics around, the Village Voice picks up the slack: Take a gander at their list of the worst lyrics of the past decade, and I'll see you in the '10s!

"Send Me An Angel"

2009-08-14T17:26:00.000-04:00

Send me an angel
Send me an angel
Right now
Right now

Wait a minute, just whom do you think you're talking to? You can't order God around like that. No wonder you've "never been lucky in love" - He's probably punishing you for your insolence. Just be thankful that He hasn't sent you an angel to smite thine impertinent ass.

"Sugar, We're Goin' Down"

2009-07-09T14:29:00.002-04:00

Is this more than you bargained for yet?
Oh don't mind me I'm watching you two from the closet
Wishing to be the friction in your jeans

Time for a periodic reminder that I'm not just picking on songs I dislike here. I try to be fair-minded and point out when songs I really enjoy have lines that make me cringe. And it doesn't get more cringeworthy than "Wishing to be the friction in your jeans". Well, almost. Discovering that those are the lyrics when one is in the middle of karaoke-ing it, that's worse. (Fortunately, I recovered.)

"The Girl Is Mine"

2009-06-30T17:50:00.004-04:00

I don't understand the way you think
Saying that she's yours, not mine
Sending roses and your silly dreams
Really just a waste of time
Because she's mine
The doggone girl is mine

Trivia: This was the first single released from "Thriller", reaching #2 on the Billboard Hot 100. But it was definitely was not a song that foretold the coming "Thriller" phenomenon.

On one hand, it's good that this dispute over a girl descends into lame singing, not lame fisticuffs ("Paul, I think I told you I'm a lover, not a fighter"). On the other hand, it's pretty certain that the "doggone girl" will be gone after hearing this song. For these are the possibilities:

If neither guy is telling the truth about her claims of devotion, she'll quickly disabuse them of the notion that she's either of theirs.

If both them are telling the truth, they'll come to the realization that they've been played and send her packing.

If only one them is telling the truth, she'll have to wonder "WTF does he mean 'doggone girl'?"

Regardless of where the truth lies, she'll undoubtedly be convinced that these guys are way lame. Very very rich, but lame.

And the less said about the "25th Anniversary Remix Featuring will.i.am." the better.

"Birthday Sex"

2009-06-24T14:06:00.001-04:00

Or maybe we can float on top my waterbed
You close your eyes as I improv between your legs
We work our way from kitchens, stoves and tables
Girl, you know I'm more than able to please yeah
You say you wanted flowers on the bed
But you got me and now it's on again

This was the top R&B song in the country last week, and I heartily approve of the sentiment. I am in complete agreement that we need to raise awareness of and have a national discussion on the very important topic of birthday sex.

Especially because today is my birthday.

While birthday sex may be a fantastic idea, "Birthday Sex" is a lousy song, both musically, and (more to the point) lyrically. Not to get all old-fogey here, but whatever happened to the smooth subtlety of a Marvin Gaye or Barry White? Okay, those are ambitious targets, but it is asking too much to at least try to show a little charm and class?

This song takes a beautiful concept (especially for today) and makes it sound juvenile. Like it was written by a dirty-minded thirteen-year-old virgin. (Stoves? Really?) Which might make some sort of sense, given that much of the song's airplay is on radio stations aimed at thirteen-year-olds (I'm looking at you, "92.3 NOW"). And that's a whole other problem right there.

Yet another problem that you may be having is what to get me for my birthday. Well, hint, hint... But if you're not around, then could you please at least find me a better song on the subject?

"Live And Let Die"

2009-06-17T14:54:00.000-04:00

But if this ever-changing world in which we live in
Makes you give in and cry
Say live and let die

This lyric never used to bother me until my wife pointed out that it's ungrammatical. She'd accept either "world which we live in" or "world in which we live", but repeating the "in" is just plain wrong. I countered that maybe the real lyric is "world in which we're living" - it's not, but hey, it fits - but my wife said she'd hate that, too, because it would be lousy enunciating.

So unfortunately it now bothers me as well every time I hear it. Though it's still the best Bond theme. Even better than the title theme to "Octopussy".

(Disclaimer: There is no title theme to "Octopussy". But there should be.)

(Disclaimer: Do not take Paul McCartney's advice. Dissatisfaction with a society in flux is an acceptable excuse to kill people only if you're James Bond.)

"B.Y.O.B."

2009-05-25T11:49:00.001-04:00

Why don't presidents fight the war?
Why do they always send the poor?

There are some questions, such as "When did Serj Tankian stop beating his wife?" and "Why does Serj Tankian collect so much child pornography?" that are tricky to answer because the premise is (and I'll give ol' Serj the benefit of the doubt) untrue. "Why do they always send the poor?" is one of those questions. Turns out that the income distribution of our military recruits matches that of the population at large pretty well. There are perhaps a smaller percentage of pampered rock stars in our all-volunteer Armed Forces than in the population as a whole, but even the sons of one of last year's presidential candidates and both vice-presidential candidates have been serving overseas. This Memorial Day, let's remember the sacrifices of all our soldiers and sailors, whether poor, middle-class, or better-off.

As for presidents fighting the war, the American people don't seem to find that terribly important - the presidential candidate with more military experience has lost five straight elections. Though perhaps what Serj is getting at is replacing war with some sort of one-to-one combat between the leaders of opposing countries. In that case, we'd probably be electing different types of presidents altogether. Both Obama and Bush are pretty fit men (and I can see Clinton holding his own in a bar fight), but we'd be looking for something more - Arnold Schwarzenegger, perhaps. (Though that would be ridiculous, as everyone knows he is ineligible to run, having been born outside the U.S.)

To find someone well-suited to the new job description, presidential debates would probably end up being less like a series of canned remarks and more like a cross between American Gladiators and Ultimate Fighting... You know, I daresay that might be an improvement. Perhaps Serj is on to something after all...

"The Heat Is On"

2009-05-18T13:38:00.002-04:00

The heat is on
The heat is on
The heat is on
Oh, it's on the streets
The heat is on

There's nothing really wrong with these lyrics. Repeating the song title over and over in the chorus is perhaps a bit lazy, but it's way too common a feature of pop songs for me to have a legitimate issue with. No, what annoys me is that I am doomed to hum this song to myself every time the dang heat comes on in my house. We have a bunch of old clanking radiators, so every winter's day it's like *clang*, *bonk*, *klunk*, and here comes the sax riff...

"Round And Round"

2009-05-12T17:16:00.002-04:00

Round and round
With love we'll find a way just give it time
Round and round
What comes around goes around
I'll tell you why

I've never been particularly fond of the cliche "what comes around goes around" - it has a pleasing rhythm, but it falls apart on closer examination. Presumably, it means "you get what you give", but if so, then like "you can't have your cake and eat it too", it's written backwards. Either way, it's always just said as a statement of fact, without regard to whether or why it's true. Why would something that comes around also go around? Where is it coming from, and where is it going?

So here comes Ratt to explain the phrase. Or so they claim. They quite brazenly do not deliver on the promise to tell us why. We're left hanging and thus it remains a mystery. My hopes are cruelly dashed; it's like an arrow through the heart.

"Let's Dance"

2009-02-27T23:22:00.002-05:00

Let's dance
Put on your red shoes and dance the blues

How does one "dance the blues"? It seems to me that the blues are a music genre designed to be resistant to being danced to. And even if it's purposeful incongruity, not just a bad lyrical choice, it still doesn't explain why he sings it like Elmer Fudd. (Better than singing it like Daffy Duck, I suppose.)

"Don't Matter"

2009-02-18T16:46:00.002-05:00

Nobody wanna see us together
But it don't matter no
'Cause I got you babe
'Cause we gon' fight
Oh yes we gon' fight
Believe we gon' fight
We gonna fight
Fight for our right to love yeah

"Nobody"? I don't particularly care one way or another about who he's with. Presumably, he hasn't considered my opinion, instead meaning nobody he knows wants to see them together. But he's gon' fight for their right to love, yeah. A noble-sounding, Romeo-and-Juliet sentiment, and I bet all the high schoolers with persecution complexes of their own are totally feeling it.

In real life, it's hard to be objective about the girl you love, or more accurately, the girl you desperately want the right to love. If all of your friends have problems with your relationship, maybe you need to step back and consider just what it is they object to.

Deep down, Akon knows they have a point. He freely admits in one of the verses that the girl "got every right to wanna leave" because he's been acting "off the wall" and that "most" of the rumors about him and other women just ain't true. Kind of weakens his case. The song becomes less a you-and-me-against-the-world act of defiance, and more the song of a pitiful broken man begging his girl not to leave. I'm sure that's not what he's going for.

"Jump"

2009-02-10T15:06:00.003-05:00

Some of them try to rhyme but they can't rhyme like this
Some of them try to rhyme but they can't rhyme like this
Some of them try to rhyme but they can't rhyme like this
Some of them try to rhyme but they can't

It's true; not everyone is fly enough to seriously brag about being able to rhyme "this" with "this".

"Don't Stand So Close To Me"

2009-01-31T17:54:00.001-05:00

It's no use, he sees her
He starts to shake and cough
Just like that old man in
That book by Nabokov

It's nice when others do my work for me. Though I must add three things:

1) The cartoon character is being dense; everyone knows this is a reference to "Lolita" (probably the greatest novel ever written).

2) My bigger criticism is that it's an awkward and dumb way to reference "Lolita". Better than "Just like that old guy in that thingy with the, you know, pages and writing and stuff, by that Russian dude", but not much.

3) No, I was not beaten by a songwriter as a child.

"Rapture"

2009-01-29T16:41:00.004-05:00

Back to back
Sacroiliac
Spineless movement
And a wild attack

"Rapture" is most famous for being the first number one song to feature rapping since Lorne Greene's "Ringo". However, clumsy rhymes (even by the old-school standards of the day) about a disco-era Purple People-Eater somehow failed to bring rap into the mainstream; it was also the last number one song to feature rapping until Vanilla Ice's "Ice Ice Baby" ten years later. And of course rap took after that.

To a ten-year-old boy like myself, this was just about the coolest song ever. A man from Mars! Eating cars! And bars! And guitars! What's not to love? I especially enjoyed imagining the guitar player fighting with the Man from Mars during the solo at the end. Yet I never gave much thought to what Debbie Harry was singing in the rest of the song. So I looked it up. And... huh?

According to Wikipedia,"the sacroiliac joint is the joint between the sacrum, at the base of the spine, and the ilium of the pelvis, which are joined by ligaments. It is a strong, weightbearing synovial joint with irregular elevations and depressions that produce interlocking of the bones." Well that's even sillier than a club-hopping alien who ate your head.

It's a strange word to have in a song that's not a mnemonic tune designed to help med students in their anatomy classes. ("The hip bone's connected to the sacroiliac bone...") It's even stranger that the word is just hanging there as if it were a common interjection, like "Spleen!" or "Pancreas!". A sentence is called for, or at least a phrase.

Perhaps "Total Eclipse Of The Sacroiliac"? (Can one turn around with an eclipsed sacroiliac?)

"Blinded By The Light"

2009-01-21T16:32:00.002-05:00

Blinded by the light
Revved up like a deuce
Another runner in the night

You might have once wondered why anyone would sing a song about there being a "bathroom on the right". Perhaps you've gotten an interesting mental image upon hearing "she's got electric boobs, a nowhere suit". And most certainly, you had to have thought that "excuse me while I kiss this guy" is an odd way to introduce a smoking guitar riff.

Usually, when told of the correct lyrics, it all makes sense. Or at least we stop hearing the wrong ones (I still don't know what "electric boots" are). Usually. For no matter how many times I have to remind myself of the real lyrics, there is no way Manfred Mann is not singing "wrapped up like a douche". I'm not clear on what that even means, but then again I'm not clear on "revved up like a deuce", either. Something about cars, I've heard. But it doesn't matter, because it's clear as day: "wrapped up like a douche".

(Also, he clearly sings "another roller in the night", but it's more funny to riff on "douche".)

Fisher-Price Amazing Animals Sing and Go Choo-Choo

2009-01-13T10:23:00.006-05:00

Polar bears live where it's cold
Lions like it hot!
Tigers can run very fast
And hippos can not

If you have a child around the age of one, you can almost certainly sing along. This is quite a popular toy from Fisher-Price, which specializes in adorable toys that belt out annoying songs. I once wanted to buy their tiger-and-cub toy for our baby daughter (>go Tigers!), until I touched the darn thing and set it to singing. Two-and-a-half seconds was all it took to convince me that I really didn't want that in my house.

Our daughter got the train for Christmas. Turned off, it's rather cute. Turned on, and you have to endure very loud and insipid songs when the right buttons are pressed. The main song invites us to hop on board the animal train, because learning about an-i-MALS (yes, emphasis on the last syllable - the Fisher-Price demons have truly thought of everything) is "really lots of fun!!" Or so they say. The half-shouting, half-pleading tone of that line makes it sound like they're trying to convince themselves as much as they're trying to convince our children.

So what sort of fun learning do we get from the toy? Another song tells us that polar bears live where it's cold, check. Lions like it hot... well, it's hard to say whether they truly like it or if they just endure it, but okay. Tigers can run fast, no question. What about hippos (or hip-POS, as the song goes)?

A side note: songs for children do get lots of lyrical leeway here; I know they shouldn't be judged in the same way that a normal pop song can be.

And yet, this is a toy that purports to be somewhat educational. It should not be getting basic facts wrong. Especially when said wrong information can get our daughter killed! If you happen to find yourself amongst a herd of hippopotamuses one day, don't let your memories of this song (if you have the toy, it will be burned into your brain) lull you into a false sense of security. Despite what the song would have us believe, hippos can run really fast! Not as fast as tigers, but certainly faster than you. And they'll take full advantage of that speed; by many accounts they're the most dangerous animal in the world.

Fisher-Price should not be so cavalier with our children's safety. Here's hoping for a massive product recall (please?)

"Making Love Out Of Nothing At All"

2009-01-05T18:00:00.000-05:00

I can make the runner stumble
I can make the final block
And I can make every tackle at the sound of the whistle
And I can make all the stadiums rock

Of all the crazy things kids do in college, singing "Making Love Out Of Nothing At All" to annoy your roommates is probably the lamest. Nobody remembers exactly who started it or why, but we all remember that it became our room's unofficial theme song, we sang it so much. We even once called in a song request to a local adult contemporary radio station (STAR 104.5). Remember kids that this was in the days before you could steal any song you'd like over the internet. If the local record store didn't have what you wanted to hear, you'd have to hope you could get through to the local radio station and have a deejay take pity on you. Because we sure as heck weren't going to ask our friends if they had this song so we could tape it from them.

The deejay at STAR 104.5 did take pity on us - well, he was quite cool about it. He laughed at our unusual request and said he'd be willing to play it, but he'd have to check with the manager. When we called back a half-hour later, the deejay gave us the manager's response: "Are you *kidding* me?" So no song for us - the station was pretty soft, but apparently not that soft.

So I do have a soft spot for this song, as it reminds me of my wild college days. Some may describe the song as creepy and pathetic, but there are some pretty, if melodramatic (what Jim Steinman song isn't?), lyrics in there. The ones I quote above aren't those.

Certainly, I have no issue with the guys from Air Supply playing football (or presumably, Australian Rules football). One can sing sappy ballads without being a total wimp (see also James Blunt). I'm not on board with their stadium-rocking ability, however. It doesn't seem like their forte.

The song was originally written for Meat Loaf (as was "Total Eclipse of the Heart", by the way) - you can totally see him singing it, right? - so the lyric would make a little more sense coming from him. Not coming from a band who was deemed too soft to play on STAR 104.5.

"The Christmas Waltz"

2008-12-19T14:30:00.001-05:00

Santa's on his way
He's filled his sleigh with things
Things for you and for me

We're getting things for Christmas this year? Hooray! Last year all I got was stuff. At least it wasn't crap. But if it's not too late, Santa, what I really want is miscellany. I know that's a bit fancy, but I've been a good boy, really I have.

(You have to love the way Frank builds to and hits the word "things" in that phrase, all buttery excitement, as if he's crooning the name of his dearest love. Who doesn't love things, right?)

A very Merry Christmas to my four readers! Hope you all get lots of things!

"Temperature"

2008-12-18T11:01:00.004-05:00

Well woman the way the time cold I wanna be keepin' you warm
I got the right temperature for shelter you from the storm
Oh lord, gal I got the right tactics to turn you on
And girl I wanna be the papa, you can be the mom, oh oh!

Admit it, unless you're from Jamaica, you have no idea what Sean Paul sings in any of his songs. Heck, even if you were to read his lyrics, you're going to have a hard time figuring out what it all means. No, it's really enough to just bop along happily to the riddim, mouthing the occasional words that you kind of maybe understand.

Until you actually do read the lyrics. Then it's hard not to be slightly creeped out. It's not that the song seems to be one long boast about his sexual prowess - that's been a proud theme of pop music since "Sixty Minute Man". It's that the song seems to be one long boast about his sexual prowess as the sole reason to have a baby with him!

Call me old-fashioned, but... ew.

If I need shelter from a storm, please just hand me an umbrella instead.

"Aquarius"

2008-12-13T23:32:00.001-05:00

When the Moon is in the seventh house
And Jupiter aligns with Mars
Then peace will guide the planets
And love will steer the stars

Damn hippies. They ruined Broadway.

"Escape (The Piña Colada Song)"

2008-12-12T18:10:00.004-05:00

So I waited with high hopes, then she walked in the place.
I knew her smile in an instant, I knew the curve of her face.
It was my own lovely lady, and she said, "Oh, it's you."
And we laughed for a moment, and I said, "I never knew..."

The very first line in this song ("I was tired of my lady") is perhaps one of the most evocative opening lines in all of popular music. Instantly you're transported to a world of ferns and polyester, of shag carpets and variety shows, of a newfangled concept called the "personal ad" and lounge lizards who use the phrase "my lady". The world of Larry from Three's Company.

This was the last number one song of the seventies, and such phrases keep the song firmly rooted there. A current remake of the song would surely involve references to match.com or eHarmony, but that would strip away some of the dated cheesiness that is essential to its charm.

You know the story: a man loses interest in his lady, reads a personal ad of someone who seems more interesting, arranges a meeting with the new lady, discovers that this new lady is none other than his current lady, then laughter and a happy ending. They don't make story songs like that anymore.

Now it's almost unfair to rag on the lyrics when Rupert Holmes himself admits in the song that "I'm nobody's poet" and allows only that the lyrics aren't "half bad" (no boastful rapper, he). Still, if I were the woman walking into the bar, discovering that not only is my boyfriend planning on cheating on me, but he's about to find out that I was planning on cheating on him, I'd probably react a bit more strongly than an oddly emotionless "Oh, it's you". It irks me that Holmes delivers the phrase with a shrug, when it's the freaking climax of the song!

I'm also a bit skeptical about the happy ending. I can accept that they laugh about the situation and make up instead of launching into the mother of all fights right there in the fern bar. But anyone can see that the relationship is doomed. After the piña coladas wear off, what then? Back to a crippling lack of communication, boredom, and the personal ads, I'm afraid.

"Eternal Flame"

2008-12-07T17:44:00.003-05:00

Close your eyes, give me your hand, darling
Do you feel my heart beating, do you understand?

If the answer is no, I don't feel your heart beating, then I'd understand that I'd need to call an ambulance right away. Although you're still calmly singing and coming on to me, so I might have to conclude that you're one of the undead. But what type of undead? I think vampires must have beating hearts. Otherwise, why would a stake to the heart kill one, right? So maybe you'd be a zombie, except I'd expect zombies to be clamoring for my brain rather than stopping to croon a sappy love song.

Let's see, you took my hand so you're not a ghost, I don't see bandages so you're obviously not a mummy, and you're not scary enough to be a nazgul. That leaves... unhand me, you succubus!!

Nah, I'm just teasing, don't do that. I'm just babbling because I can't believe you just grabbed my hand and placed it on your boob. Do you really expect me to notice if your heart is beating or not?

(UPDATE 2/27/09: Gotta love this comic...)

"Redneck Woman"

2008-12-04T12:54:00.004-05:00

I keep my Christmas lights on, on my front porch all year long
And I know all the words to every Tanya Tucker song

I'm not much of a fan of country music, but this gleeful, boot-stompin' song makes me want to find a real fun-lovin' redneck woman of my own. Shoot, it almost makes me want to *be* a redneck woman myself. Drinking beer at the local honky tonk, buying cheap lingerie, hell yeah, life don't get no better than that.

Seriously, it's a fun song, both to listen to and to sing along to in Karaoke Revolution. But I'm afraid it's based on a pickup truck full of lies. In an Entertainment Weekly interview, Tanya Tucker herself calls Gretchen Wilson on it:

Hey, she's lying out her ass. I asked her to sing me one of my songs the other day, and she didn't know a damn word of it!

Now I'm sure this was meant good-naturedly; after all, they did the interview together and Tanya admitted she was thrilled to be mentioned. Still, it makes me think twice about my own redneck woman plans. Is it really all it's cracked up to be? Just what else is she lying about? How long do you *really* keep your Christmas lights out, Ms. Wilson?

"Jump Around"

2008-12-02T11:57:00.003-05:00

Word to your moms, I came to drop bombs
I got more rhymes than the Bible's got Psalms

Rappers are not generally known for their humility, instead very often wishing to convey the message that they are magnificent and therefore not to be trifled with. "Jump Around", despite its shiny, bouncy package, is true to form, filled as it is with the requisite orders, boasts, and threats that you rarely find in other music genres. Within this context, having more rhymes than there are Psalms is a rather modest claim, as there are only 150 of them.

A charitable explanation is that House of Pain decided that it's a good rhyme, pedants be damned. But it still leaves the impression that someone might have thought "The Bible is long, it must have a whole ox-load of Psalms". Regardless, 150 turned out to be more rhymes than they needed anyway; "Jump Around" was the first and last hurrah for the whole Irish-American rap genre. Sadly, that genre's death means that today we're missing out on movies that are a frighteningly awesome blend of Stomp The Yard and Riverdance.

"She Don't Use Jelly"

2008-11-25T09:46:00.009-05:00

I know a girl who reminds me of Cher
She's always changing the color of her hair
She don't use nothing that you buy at the store
She likes her hair to be real orange
She uses tangerines

Yes, I know this song is a silly little novelty and the lyrics are supposed be be somewhat absurd. As such it makes a great song to sing to my baby daughter. Why bother with insipid children's music (and it's almost all insipid, even the stuff that claims not to be) when there are plenty of songs to sing and play that you can enjoy as much as your kids? "La La Love You" by The Pixies is another good example.

So I appreciate the song for what it is, and I applaud the attempt to rhyme the word "orange" (even though it doesn't work at all if one has a New York accent). Tangerines won't turn your hair orange, but I'm allowing a little poetic license. And I can picture an orange-haired Cher, though I usually don't. No, my beef is that you can buy tangerines at a store! Unless one lives in the right climate to be able to visit a local citrus grove, or to be able to grow one's own, a store is exactly where one would get a tangerine.

And even if magic hair-coloring tangerines are only available via a special TV offer (call our toll-free number, operators are standing by!), they'll be in stores marked "As Seen On TV" soon enough.

"Sk8er Boi"

2008-11-24T18:17:00.004-05:00

He was a boy
She was a girl
Can I make it any more obvious?
He was a punk.
And she did ballet.
What more can I say?

Yes, Avril. You can make it much more obvious. Telling me they're a boy and a girl is not nearly enough information. Are they star-crossed lovers who'll be driven to suicide by disapproving families? Are they brother and sister striving to take down the Empire? Is one a fair maiden imprisoned in a castle by her evil stepmother and the other a lovable scamp running away down the Mississippi?

Sure, maybe in retrospect it was indeed obvious that you were singing about some low-life punk and some girl who's been signed up for ballet classes. That would have been my next guess. And that's all you really needed to say. Really. Yet you feel compelled to continue the idiotic story, the moral of which seems to be that one never knows who might become famous, so one should always put out to hedge one's bets.

Come on, Avril, can't you leave the poor girl alone? She's a sad single mom no doubt regretting that her dreams of becoming a world-famous ballet dancer have come to naught, wallowing in so much self-pity that her friends don't even call to ask her out anymore. The last thing she needs is some snotty teen pop star writing an insanely catchy song making fun of her plight.

That makes you an awful person, Avril. An awful person singing an awful song from the awful title to the awful opening lines above through an awful story to the blessed fade out. But what's most awful is that I can't stop singing it!!

"Judy's Turn To Cry"

2008-11-23T15:48:00.013-05:00

Oh, one night I saw them kissin' at a party,
So I kissed some other guy.
Johnny jumped up and he hit him,
'Cause he still loved me, that's why.

Thanks to Lesley Gore, it's difficult to even contemplate throwing a party these days without some part of your brain reminding you that, if you are so inclined, you are perfectly within your rights to cry. Tragedy does not even need to strike; the phrase "and I'll cry if I want to" follows the declaration "it's my party" as naturally as one knows who is to blame when one is shot through the heart.

Poor Lesley's situation is indeed tragic; she spends much of her party wondering where her Johnny went with Judy, only to discover that they've been out necking or petting or whatever it is boys and girls did in the early 60s. Most people think the story ends there, but there's a happy ending in the sequel "Judy's Turn To Cry". Sort of. The first two verses in the song have Lesley recapping the original, interspersed with tantalizing foreshadowing in the chorus. Seems Judy now has reason to weep. But why?

Because Johnny is a 24-karat asshat, that's why. Leaving his girlfriend's party holding hands with another girl was kind of jerk move. Returning to the *same* party with the girl is either thick-headed or sadistic. But punching a guy who was kissing his ex-girlfriend is simply psychotic. Especially since at the very same time he himself was making out with the tramp he left Lesley for. How could she possibly be happy to be back with that lunkhead?

Obviously, she has some self-esteem issues. And she's possibly slightly psychotic herself. Think about it - some poor guy was minding his own business when - wham! - this crazy girl is all over him, trying to make her gorilla ex-boyfriend jealous. Then - wham! - he's decked by the gorilla, and the girl leaves singing brightly at some other girl's emotional pain, with nary a thought as to his physical pain.

Judy should thank the stars that she was saved from a loser like Johnny. As for Lesley, if that's the type of guy she was attracted to, it's no wonder she eventually decided to swear off men forever.

"Jesus Walks"

2008-11-23T14:35:00.015-05:00

The way Kathie Lee needed Regis
That's the way I need Jesus

Kanye West can't be faulted for trying to inject a little old time religion into hip-hop, but his good intentions are somewhat undermined when he compares his relationship with our Lord and Savior to that of a couple of amiable talk-show hosts. It seems a tad disrespectful, especially considering that Kathie Lee is doing just fine without Regis these days. Surely he's not suggesting that after fifteen or so years with Jesus he'll be ready to move on (to Scientology, perhaps?) No, I think he just consulted his rhyming dictionary without thinking too hard, and came up with a lyric so bad it inspired this blog.

The song itself isn't bad, but those lines get me every time. "Regis" was the best rhyme he could think of to start the couplet? How about "The way Häagen-Dazs needs freezers" or "The way Wallace and Gromit needed cheeses"? Actually, the latter one works nicely: Wallace and Gromit needed cheese so much they were willing to build a rocket and fly to the moon to get it. Now *that's* commitment worthy of the Son of God.

And another question: How is it that Weird Al hasn't yet recorded a parody entitled "Regis Talks"?